Ready - Aim - FIRE

Dear Society,

I'm trying to figure out why so many men spit in the toilet before they take a leak. I see it more often when standing at urinals, but I still hear it from across the privacy walls while "dropping some friends off at the pool." I was taking a leak this evening at the men's room in the BWI International Terminal, upper level (Conference room B) and an older gentleman walked up to the urinal next to me, gently spit at the urinal, and proceeded to empty his bladder. This certainly is not the first time that I've witnessed the "Spit n Piss" maneuver, but it does continue to baffle me. If most men are like me, Daddy taught us how to stand up and pee. I don't know about other guys, but my father never instructed me to either hack up a wad of lung spooge, or expel all standing mouth moisture immediately before opening up the fire hose. I say fire hose, only because there are some men out there who have been blessed/cursed with such an appendage. In observing this technique, I can only assume that the "Spitters" were told to do that in order to give themselves something to aim at? More on this topic below.

Another thing that really confuses me is how some men refuse to lift the seat when the piss. What in the hell is that matter with these toilet terrorists? I say terrorist, because this is an act of terror. How does it feel when you are in a hurry to sit down and send your lunch off to the recycle plant, and you have to stop and either clean the seat, gasket it, or squat over it....all while doing everything you can to hold the pressure of last night's burrito from puncturing through the thin walls of the Brown River Dam?!?! It's a nightmare! How hard is it for a guy to wad up some toilet paper and lift the seat, or even lift it up with your footwear? Who taught these toilet terrorists to disrespect their fellow poopers in this manner?

Aim.....allow me to touch on that important subject for a moment. Regardless of what direction you may be holding your man pipe, sometimes, the water shoots off in an unexpected direction. This can not be controlled. It can only be corrected immediately after the initial spritz. Women tend to complain about men's inability to, "Get it in the rim." To the women of the world, I say, regardless of how perfect a man's aim is...sometimes, his just going to hit that rim, or points beyond it. Just be patient and teach him to clean up after himself. Remember another important rule....men don't learn shit quickly.

OK, back to the "Spitters." While I was in San Diego this weekend, I was facing the urinal at Qualcomm Stadium and noticed a little fly picture that the owners of the toilets had placed strategically in the urinals. I've also seen mini targets in the urinals at the Seattle Tacoma airport. This is ingenious. Not only is it exciting to try and aim your spray at something, but it also benefits the next users as long as the previous users decided they want to aim there too. Again....no man can aim perfectly 100% of the time, but this should increase the overall cleanliness of the pissers. The crazy reality is still, some men still spit at the little bugs or targets before they pee! I'm opening this up to the world. Somebody....please tell me why it's a habit to "spit n piss?"

Yours Truly,
Confused Crapper